PARENTAL GUIDANCE COMPULSORY !
Part 3: 249 - 300 13/8/2014
Part 4: 301 - 400 2/1/2015
Part 5: 401 - 500
Part 6: 501 - 600 20/2/2015
Part 7: 601 700 28/2 2015
The disgusted flight attendant gets the head flight attendant who asks the blonde to leave.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain The police asked him what happened.
He replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, & guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, " What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Tanden, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer but only under the following four conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"Twice a month?"
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem.
Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're fucking nuts."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'M GOING TO VEGAS TOO. I WANT TO SEE YOU LIVE ON $800 A YEAR!"
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her.
After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town.
Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the ass with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary.
Neither did I dad said Mary. until you hit him on the ass with the shovel...
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
f**in' number!" And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
"You're an asshole!" I said, but I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you'd better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick you're ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
Anger management really works.
So he rings down to the reception desk and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.
He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She tells him to turn over and he does, revealing a huge boner.
"Ahh, you want wanky!" she giggles.
"Oooh, yes!" he leers.
She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, "You finish yet?"
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."
Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand" He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.
"Didn't you compliment her?" "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment."
"What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much!"
have lost your Sense Of Humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night
with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by
Midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas
went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hallway started up And cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably
wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus
9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what
time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He
didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew! I got away with that one! Then he said,
'We need a new Cuckoo Clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'WELL, LAST NIGHT
OUR CLOCK CUCKOOED 3 TIMES, THEN SAID 'OH SHIT.'
CUCKOOED 4 MORE TIMES, CLEARED ITS THROAT,
CUCKOOED ANOTHER 3 TIMES, GIGGLED, CUCKOOED TWICE MORE,
THEN TRIPPED OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND FARTED.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
649. While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit.
Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.
Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee.
Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a C*NT!
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make so much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
"They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop’!"
"Then I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’
I USED THE PRESIDENT OBAMA METHOD OF GIVING YOU SOME CRAP, DRESSING IT UP SO IT LOOKS GOOD, TELLING YOU IT'S FREE AND THEN MAKING YOU PAY TO GET THE BAD TASTE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."
LITTLE JOHNNY GOT FIVE STARS FOR HIS ASSIGNMENT.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women.
No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
The priest says, “What do you mean almost?”
The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.”
The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly through the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***you!"
Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"
even get on the bed!
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled,
"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country"
691. A HUSBAND WENT TO THE SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT TO REPORT THAT HIS WIFE WAS MISSING.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: DON’T WORRY BUDDY. WE’LL FIND YOUR TRUCK.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down she moved over to the side to let the group of cars get ahead.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! It's because you couldn't catch the other cars."