My gunsteling grappe - My favourite Jokes Part 5

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Part 5

                                               PARENTAL GUIDANCE COMPULSORY !

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Part 1: 1 - 134 Published 6/12/2012

Part 2: 135 - 248 21/6/2014

Part 3: 249 - 300  13/8/2014

Part 4: 301 - 400  2/1/2015


401. A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. 
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. 
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

402.  There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visitedthe Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

403. A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.....................

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!

Back to the synagogue..................

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY LOTTO TICKET!!!"

404. A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."

405. In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimatelyresponsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.

406. A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!'

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and

he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

407. A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

408. The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

409. Old Joe Peters walks into a barbershop in Miles City for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little wooden ball.
The barber replied: ”Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”...

410. A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

411. Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

412. There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.

On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, "look at the preacher. He should punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?"

God smiled and said, "I did....think about it....who can he tell about this?"

413. A rich older man was married to a sexy younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should restrain sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs and wife upstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living.
So he headed upstairs. He met his wife half-way on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

414. There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

415. Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. 'What's Logic?' asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, 'Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?' 'I sure do,' grinned the redneck. 'Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,' replied the professor. 'That's real good,' the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: 'Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.' Impressed, the redneck shouts 'AMAZIN'!' 'And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.' 'Betty Mae... this is incredible!' (The redneck is catching on.) Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,' says the professor. 'You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class.'

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. 'So what classes are ya takin'?' The friend asked. 'Math, History, and Logic,' replies the first redneck. 'What in tarnation is Logic?' asked his new friend. 'Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?' 'No,' his friend replied. You're queer, ain't ya?

416. A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

417. This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia."

The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?"

The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,

"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

418. Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.
He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

419. “A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

420. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

421. Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

422. Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken.

423. A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all up; just watching all the bubbles.

A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's a$$, he'll pass a motorcycle

424. Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

425. During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."

426. A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this penis anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?" "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you......... ..NO! NO! NO!"

427. John was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

428. A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

429. I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. 
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of his years said, "MARRY HER. THAT'LL PUT A STOP TO THAT SHIT."

430. A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic:

"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."

"Yes, *sir!*"

"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."

"Yes, *sir!*"

At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."

After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."

"No problem, lieutenant!"

Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not so fast, Gomez."

431. The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." 
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his Trip."Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to Visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his Dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, And that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! 
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special Recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile slowly crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people!"

432. A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money."
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, "Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, Charles, remember that blow job I promised you? ........ Well, here it comes!

433. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

434. A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment.
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."
The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife.
Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

435. Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

436. There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

437. An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"BIG ENOUGH TO FIT A CAMEL."

438. Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

439. Girl: I am gonna buy that TV 
Clerk: No 
Girl:Why not? 
Clerk: We don't sell to blonds. 
Girl:How did you know I'm a natural blond? 
Clerk:That's a microwave.

440. George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless.
The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up.
Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night."
George laughed. "Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn't even home last night."

441. A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

442. One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.

443. Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241".

"That is wonderful!", says Albert.

"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!".

Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144".

"That is great!", responds Albert.

"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the third man answers, "51".

"How about them Yankees eh?", says Albert.

444. A man goes into a bar and see's a sign that says $200 if you can make the horse laugh! So the guy goes over to the bartender and says I can make the horse laugh.

The bartender say go ahead, the guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear the horse starts laughing hysterically.
The guy goes over to the bartender to get his money and the bartender says I bet you this $200 plus $400 more that you can't make the horse cry, the guy says alright you're on.
He walks back over to the horse well the bartender turns around for a second and when he turns back around the horse is crying.
So he says to the guy before I give you this money I gotta know, how did you make the horse laugh?
The guy said I told him my dick was bigger than his. The bartender say well how did you make him cry? The guy says I proved it.

445. A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible" says the doctor, "show me". She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you. You're really a blonde". She says "Yes, doctor". "I thought so." he says " Your finger is broken"

446. A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

447. “A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”

448. One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

449. Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

450. Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

451. A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

452. After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

453. “A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

454. As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…
“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Wisconsin, and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK”

455. Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,

"Bring me my brown pants

456. A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

457. Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like an elephant's arse in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

458. There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

459. An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.

The lady says, "Fluctuations. "

The Asian man says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too

460. A guy walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The druggist says.
"Well, I am, "replies the guy.
"You'll have to prove it," says the druggist.
So the guy rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the druggist and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later, the same guy comes back in & tells the druggist he needs to get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the druggist asks.
The guy reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog license and is finally handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the druggist a screw-top-jar.
"Here, smell this," he tells the druggist.
"The druggist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"That smells like Shit!" cries the druggist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says the guy. "Now two rolls of toilet paper please."

461. There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

462. A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied.
“But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”

“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen.

463. You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

464. If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program,

I call it my 401-Keg program

465. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

466. A man was called in for an audit by the IRS.

So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel." The man protested, "But reverend, what does al l this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed." said the reverend.

467. Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up.. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him,"Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

468. Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide they need to try and spice up their sex lives... that night all three will wear a leather corset, stilettos, and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather corset, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you... then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather corset, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner

469. In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

470. A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe.

471. There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears

472. There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

473. After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.
Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.
As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

474. A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

475. A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this penis anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?" "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you......... ..NO! NO! NO!"

476. John was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.
After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.
He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.
After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

477. "Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit." Harry told the doctor,
The doctor examined Harry and said, "I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are.
"Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemorrhoids.
"Well, " said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry. "I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow." "For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my ass!"

478. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

479. A small boy was woken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' room, so he decided to investigate.
As he entered the bedroom, he was shocked to see his mother and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"Dad!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's OK, son," replied his father. "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father's penis.
"Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a slight change of plan," his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW."

480. A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"

said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."

481. Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.

482. A rich older man was married to a sexy younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should restrain sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs and wife upstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living.
So he headed upstairs. He met his wife half-way on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

483. Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

484. There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...

TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!

"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't...

485. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

486. A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV.
She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar.
He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

487. A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"

488. A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

489. A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

490. The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

491. Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

492. “A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”

493. Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f*cking-believable!"

494. One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny.
He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

495. A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments.
As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered SPARE!
He again did this only this time hollered STRIKE! She asked him what he was doing and he said "oh, I'm just bowling".
They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who wasswinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, "strike one, strike two, etc..." she asked what he was doing and he said "just playing baseball".
As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick.
She had to ask "and what the hell are you doing"? He said "me, oh i'm just fucking nuts"!

496. A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

497. A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.
After the ceremony, they went to Fiji on their honeymoon.
Wendy was delighted with Jack's 'special emblem of devotion.'
Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.
Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.
"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, Man," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine says, 'WELCOME TO FIJI, ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"

498. A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

499. One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"
Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!" So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"
Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."
Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.
Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."
So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said .. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again."

500. A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"