TO
LOVE OR NOT TO LOVE
LOVE
THE
MOST COMMON USED WORD ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Stes de Necker
Love is one of the most profound
emotions known to human beings.
There are many kinds of love, but
most people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible
partner. For some, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in
their lives, providing a source of deep fulfilment.
The ability to have a healthy,
loving relationship is not innate. A great deal of evidence suggests that the
ability to form a stable relationship begins in infancy, in a child's earliest
experiences with a caregiver who
reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, protection, stimulation, and
social contact. Those relationships are not destiny, but they appear to
establish patterns of relating to others. Failed relationships happen for many
reasons, and the failure of a relationship is often a source of great
psychological anguish. Most of us have to work consciously to master the skills
necessary to make them flourish.
Abstractly
discussed love usually refers to an experience one person feels for
another.
Love often involves caring for or
identifying with a person or thing (cf. vulnerability
and care theory of love), including oneself (cf. narcissism). In addition to cross-cultural differences in
understanding love, ideas about love have also changed greatly over time.
Some historians date modern
conceptions of romantic love to courtly Europe during or after the Middle Ages, although the prior existence of romantic
attachments is attested by ancient love poetry.
The complex and abstract nature
of love often reduces discourse of love to a thought-terminating cliché.
Several common proverbs regard love, from Virgil's "Love conquers all "
to The Beatles' "All You Need Is Love". St. Thomas Aquinas,
following Aristotle, defines love as "to will
the good of another."
Bertrand Russell describes love as a condition of
"absolute value," as opposed to relative value. Philosopher Gottfried Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted
by the happiness of another." Meher Baba stated that in love there is a "feeling
of unity" and an "active appreciation of the intrinsic worth of the
object of love." Biologist Jeremy Griffith defines love as "unconditional
selflessness".
Impersonal love
A person can be said to love an
object, principle, or goal to which they are deeply committed and greatly
value.
For example, compassionate
outreach and volunteer workers' "love" of their cause may sometimes
be born not of interpersonal love but impersonal love, altruism, and strong spiritual or political convictions.
People can also "love"
material objects, animals, or activities if they invest themselves in bonding
or otherwise identifying with those things. If sexual passion is also involved,
then this feeling is called paraphilia.
Interpersonal love
Interpersonal love refers to love
between human beings. It is a much more potent sentiment than a
simple liking for another. Unrequited love refers to those feelings of love that are
not reciprocated.
Interpersonal love is most
closely associated with interpersonal relationships. Such
love might exist between family members, friends, and couples. There are also a
number of psychological disorders related to love, such as erotomania.
Throughout history, philosophy and religion have done the most speculation on the phenomenon
of love. In the 20th century, the science of psychology has written a great deal on the subject. In
recent years, the sciences of psychology, anthropology, neuroscience, and biology have added to the understanding the concept of
love.
Biological basis
Biological models of sex tend to
view love as a mammalian drive, much like hunger or thirst.
Helen Fisher, a
leading expert in the topic of love, divides the experience of love into three
partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction, and attachment.
Lust is the feeling of sexual desire; romantic attraction determines what partners
mates find attractive and pursue, conserving time and energy by choosing; and
attachment involves sharing a home, parental duties, mutual defence, and in
humans involves feelings of safety and security. Three distinct neural
circuitries, including neurotransmitters, and three behavioural patterns, are
associated with these three romantic styles.
Lust is
the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such
as testosterone andestrogen.
These effects rarely last more
than a few weeks or months.
Attraction is the
more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating,
which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms.
Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love,
the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including the neurotransmitter hormones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, the same compounds released by amphetamine, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as
increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.
Research has indicated that
this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.
Since the lust and attraction
stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for
long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many
years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such
as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared
interests.
It has been linked to higher
levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term
relationships have.
Enzo Emanuele and coworkers reported the protein molecule
known as the nerve growth factor (NGF)
has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous
levels after one year.
Psychological basis
Psychology depicts love as a cognitive and social
phenomenon.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and
argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and
passion.
Intimacy is a form in which two
people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is
usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs.
Commitment, on the other hand, is
the expectation that the relationship is permanent.
The last and most common form of
love is sexual attraction and passion. Passionate love is shown in infatuation
as well as romantic love. All forms of love are viewed as varying combinations
of these three components.
Non-love does not include any of
these components. Liking only includes intimacy. Infatuated love only includes
passion. Empty love only includes commitment. Romantic love includes both
intimacy and passion. Companionate love includes intimacy and commitment.
Fatuous love includes passion and commitment. Lastly, consummate love includes
all three.
American psychologist Zick Rubin sought to define love by psychometrics in the 1970s. His work states that three
factors constitute love: attachment, caring, and intimacy.
Following developments in
electrical theories such as Coulomb's law, which showed that positive and negative charges
attract, analogs in human life were developed, such as "opposites
attract". Over the last century, research on the nature of human mating
has generally found this not to be true when it comes to character and
personality—people tend to like people similar to themselves.
However, in a few unusual and
specific domains, such as immune systems, it seems that humans prefer others who are
unlike themselves (e.g., with an orthogonal immune system), since this will
lead to a baby that has the best of both worlds. In recent years,
various human bonding theories have been
developed, described in terms of attachments, ties, bonds, and affinities.
Some Western authorities
disaggregate into two main components, the altruistic and the narcissistic.
This view is represented in the works of Scott Peck, whose work in the field of applied psychology explored
the definitions of love and evil. Peck maintains that love is a combination of
the "concern for the spiritual growth of another," and simple
narcissism.
In combination, love is
an activity, not simply a feeling.
Psychologist Erich Fromm maintained in his book The Art of Loving that love is not merely a feeling but
is also actions, and that in fact, the "feeling" of love is
superficial in comparison to one's commitment to love via a series of loving
actions over time. In this sense, Fromm held that love is ultimately not a
feeling at all, but rather is a commitment to, and adherence to, loving actions
towards another, oneself, or many others, over a sustained duration. Fromm
also described love as a conscious choice that in its early stages might
originate as an involuntary feeling, but which then later no longer depends on
those feelings, but rather depends only on conscious commitment.
Evolutionary basis
Evolutionary psychology has
attempted to provide various reasons for love as a survival tool.
Humans are dependent on parental help for a
large portion of their lifespans compared to other mammals. Love has therefore
been seen as a mechanism to promote parental support of children for this
extended time period. Another factor may be that sexually transmitted diseases can
cause, among other effects, permanently reduced fertility, injury to the fetus, and increase complications
during childbirth. This would favour monogamous
relationships over polygamy.
Comparison of scientific models
Biological models of love tend to
see it as a mammalian drive, similar to hunger or thirst.
Psychology sees love as more of a
social and cultural phenomenon. Certainly love is influenced by hormones (such as oxytocin), neurotrophins (such as NGF), and pheromones, and how people think and behave in love is
influenced by their conceptions of love.
The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love: sexual attraction and attachment. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on
the same principles that lead an infant to become attached to its mother. The
traditional psychological view sees love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is
intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness
of breath, rapid heart rate); companionate love is affection and a feeling of
intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.
Christianity
The Christian understanding is
that love comes from God. The love of man and woman—eros in Greek—and the
unselfish love of others (agape), are often contrasted as "ascending"
and "descending" love, respectively, but are ultimately the same
thing.
There are several Greek words for
"love" that are regularly referred to in Christian circles.
Agape: In
the New Testament, agapē is
charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love, seen
as creating goodness in the world; it is the way God is
seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians
aspire to have for one another.
Phileo: Also
used in the New Testament, phileo is a human response to something
that is found to be delightful. Also known as "brotherly love."
Two other words for
love in the Greek language, eros (sexual love) and storge (child-to-parent love), were never used in the New
Testament.
Christians believe that to Love God with all your
heart, mind, and strength and Love your neighbour as yourself are the two most important
things in life (the greatest commandment of the Jewish Torah,
according to Jesus; cf. Gospel of Mark chapter 12, verses 28–34).
Saint Augustine summarized
this when he wrote "Love God, and do as thou wilt."
The Apostle Paul glorified love as the most important
virtue of all. Describing love in the famous poetic interpretation in 1 Corinthians, he
wrote, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and
always perseveres." (1 Cor. 13:4–7, NIV)
The Apostle John wrote, "For God so loved the
world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not
perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to
condemn the world, but to save the world through him." (John 3:16–17, NIV) John also wrote, "Dear
friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves
has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God,
because God is love." (1 John 4:7–8, NIV)
Saint Augustine says that one must be able to decipher the
difference between love and lust. Lust, according to Saint Augustine, is an overindulgence,
but to love and be loved is what he has sought for his entire life. He even
says, “I was in love with love.”
Finally, he does fall in love and
is loved back, by God. Saint Augustine says the only one who can love you truly
and fully is God, because love with a human only allows for flaws such
as “jealousy, suspicion, fear, anger, and contention.” According to
Saint Augustine, to love God is “to attain the peace which is
yours.” (Saint Augustine's Confessions)
Augustine regards the duplex
commandment of love in Matthew 22 as the heart of Christian faith and the
interpretation of the Bible.
After the review of Christian
doctrine, Augustine treats the problem of love in terms of use and enjoyment
until the end of Book I of De Doctrina Christiana(1.22.21-1.40.44;).
Christian theologians see God as the source of love, which is
mirrored in humans and their own loving relationships. Influential Christian
theologian C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Four Loves. Benedict XVI wrote his first encyclical on "God is love". He said that a human being, created in the
image of God, who is love, is able to practice love; to give himself to God and
others (agape) and by receiving and experiencing God's love in
contemplation (eros). This life of love, according to him, is the life of the
saints such as Teresa of Calcutta and the Blessed Virgin Mary and
is the direction Christians take when they believe that God loves them.
In Christianity the practical
definition of love is best summarised by St. Thomas Aquinas, who
defined love as "to will the good of another," or to desire for
another to succeed. This is the explanation of the Christian need to love
others, including their enemies. As Thomas Aquinas explains, Christian love is
motivated by the need to see others succeed in life, to be good people.
Regarding love for enemies, Jesus
is quoted in the Gospel of Matthew chapter five:
“You have heard that it was said,
‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father
in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on
the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If
you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax
collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you
doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as
your heavenly Father is perfect.” - Matthew 5: 43-48
Tertullian wrote regarding love
for enemies: “Our individual, extraordinary, and perfect goodness consists
in loving our enemies. To love one's friends is common practice, to love one's
enemies only among Christians.”
Conclusion
The
philosophy of love is a field of social philosophy and ethics that attempts to explain the nature of love. The philosophical
investigation of love includes the tasks of distinguishing between the various
kinds of personal love, asking if and how love is or can be justified, asking
what the value of love is, and
what impact love has on the autonomy of both the lover and the beloved.
Many different
theories attempt to explain the nature and function of
love.
Explaining
love to a hypothetical person who had not himself or herself experienced love
or being loved would be very difficult because to such a person love would
appear to be quite strange if not outright irrational behaviour.
Among the
prevailing types of theories that attempt to account for the existence of love
are:
psychological theories, the vast majority of which consider
love to be very healthy behaviour;
evolutionary theories which
hold that love is part of the process of natural selection;
spiritual theories which
may, for instance consider love to be a gift from a god;
and theories
that consider love to be an unexplainable mystery, very much like a mystical experience.
There were
many attempts to find the equation of love. One such attempt was by Christian
Rudder, a mathematician and co-founder of online dating website OKCupid, one of the largest online dating sites.
Rudder
updated the "OkTrends" blog, which consists of "original
research and insights from OkCupid," for the first time in three years in
July 2014. Entitled "We Experiment On Human Beings!" the post
discusses three experiments run by the website without the knowledge of users.
Rudder prefaces the experiment results by stating: "... if you use the
Internet, you’re the subject of hundreds of experiments at any given time, on
every site. That’s how websites work."
Aggregately,
dating resources indicate a nascent line of variables effectively synchronising
couples in naturally determined yearning.
