PARENTAL GUIDANCE COMPULSORY !
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat...splash !!! ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said: "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
(10) Een van ons gesofistikeerde Waterkloof
(12) As mans dronk word dan praat hulle #@%, raak vreeslik emosioneel, bestuur sleg en hou daarvan om vir geen rede te baklei…
Ek haal my hoed af vir vrouens…
Hulle kry dit reg sonder om te drink!
(13) Ou Hendrik kom een aand hoogs besope by die huis en sy vrou ou Sêra wag hom by die voordeur in. “en toe...?” vra sy.
The girl at the cash register said, I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. Prove that you are buying the cat food for your cat.
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two Cans of dog food. Again the cashier said, ''I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.''
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, ''That smells like shit.''
The little old lady said, ''It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.''
Don't mess with old people!
1) Ma het my geleer hoe om te bid: "Jy moet bid dat daardie kol op die mat uit is as ek vanaand by die huis kom"
2) Sy het my geleer van "time travel": "Ek sal jou tot in volgende week in klap!"
3) Sy het my geleer pa's is slimmer en ryker as ma's: "Gaan vra jou pa!"
4) Sy het my geleer oor plantkunde: "Lyk dit vir jou of geld op my rug groei?"
5) Sy het my geleer om altyd nederig en klein te wees: "Mannetjie !!!"
6) Sy het my van die weer geleer: "Dit lyk of 'n dekselse orkaan jou kamer getref het!"
7) Sy het my geleer van fauna en flora: "Moenie vir my vertel perredrolle is vye nie!"
8) Sy het my geleer om myself te ontdek: "Hou op om jou soos jou pa te gedra!"
9) Sy het my die wetenskap van osmose geleer: "Hou jou mond en eet jou kos!"
10) Sy het my geleer van uithouvermoë: "Jy sal by daardie tafel sit totdat jy jou spinasie opgeëet het!"
11) Sy het my geleer van sintuie: "Kinners word gesien en nie gehoor nie!"
12) Sy het my geleer van humor: "Hou aan lag, dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil ook!"
13) Sy het my van jaloesie geleer: "Daar is duisende arm kinnertjies wat ouers soos joune begeer!"
14) Sy het geleer dat daar 'n plek en 'n tyd vir alles is:
"As julle mekaar wil vermoor, gaan doen dit buite! Ek't nou net hier skoongemaak!"
15) Sy het my wiskunde geleer: "Sit jy alweer en tanne tel!"
16) Sy het my logika geleer: "Want ek sê so, dis hoekom!"
17) Sy het my geleer dat wonderwerke nog
"Ek sal jou klap dat jy jou antie vir 'n eendvoël aansien as jy my weer terug antwoord!"
HY; uiteindelik, ekt soooo lank gewag!
SY; wil jy he ek moet waai?
HY; neeeeee,ek dinki eers da ani.
SY; is jy lief vir my ?
HY; natuurlik, somer baie
SY; het jy my al ooit verneuk?
HY; nee, hoe vra jy dan so iets?
SY; wil jy my soen?
HY; elke keer as ek
SY; sal jy my moer?
HY; is jy mal, ek isi so mens nie.
TWEE JAAR LATER, LEES NOU VAN ONDER NA BO!
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit thedelete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You’ve got mail!”
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'
She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked,
'Is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde girl with a black belt in karate.
The girl sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
I'm writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that
almost all accidents happen within 20km of home. So we moved.
I can't send you the address, because the last family who lived here
took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I don't know
that it works so well though. Last week I put in a load of clothes and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It rained only twice last week. The first
time for four days, and the second time for three days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your oom Frikkie said it would
be too heavy to send them in the post with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
Piet locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I don't know what it is yet, so
I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. I was told that it is
almost black. I think she spent too much time in the sun when she was
pregnant, always helping Jonas the farmhand with the mealiest.
Oom Wessels fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. It took
five days to put the fire out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's bakkie. I always
knew this thing was dangerous. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the
window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were on the back..They
drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
Your favourite aunt
P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the envelope!
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
When they take us for walks, they slow down when they go past things, like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted badly.
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame the dog.
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”
She said, “I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits!"
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his father is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
This is a great country.
"Eish, we have good news and bed news... "
"Eh, the bed news is thet the sheet is going to hit the fen weeth thees powa seetuation."
"Howeva, the good news is thet the fen is not going to be wekking."
(76) Robert Mugabe, president from
does not belong in heaven.
So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home.
When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked
as St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.
(77) Julius Malema.
Julius: "You whities think you so clever because you were the first to walk on the moon. Just watch, the first person on the sun will be black."
Reporter: "But you will be incinerated long before you ever get there!?"
Julius: "You whities are stupid! We will go in the night!"
(78) Malema cleared up any confusion about Castor Semenya's true gender when he proclaimed: "He is a woman!"
Die ander vlermuise gaan mal, want hulle wil ook daarvan hê.
Na 'n lang gesukkel om hom so vêr te kry om vir hulle ook te vertel waar die bloed vandaan kom, sê die vlermuis hy sal hulle gaan wys.
"Sien julle hierdie boom?"
"Ja, Ja" skree die honger vlermuise!
"Wel goed vir julle, want ek het fokken ding nie gesien nie!
(80) Met seks dan sê die
Omie: “More boet, waarheen is jy op pad?”
Outjie: “Mmmmmore ooooom, eeeek iiiiis oooop pppppad nnnnna Pppppprettttoria”
Omie: Dink by himself …. O kak, dit gaan ‘n lang pad wees, maar vra toe maar beleefd: “Wat gaan jy daar doen?”
Outjie: “Gggggggaaan vvvvir ‘n oooonderhhhhoud, oooooom”
Omie: “By watter firma?”
Outjie: “Dddddie SsssssAUK, oooooom”
Omie: “Dit klink goed, vir watter posisie?”
Outjie: “ ’nnn nnnnnnuuuus lllleser, ooooom”
Omie: Effe uit die veld geslaan: “En dink jy jy staan ‘n goeie
Outjie: ‘Nnnnnneee ooooom”
Omie: “Maar hoekom nie?”
Outjie: “Wwwwwant eeeeek iiiiiis ssseker maar te fffffffffokken lank!!”
Arlene: “What in the hell is that?”
Jane: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.”
Arlene: “Where did you get it?”
Jane: “You can get them at any pharmacy.”
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
”Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
Gatiep antwoord: “Nei Master, never heard those big words!”
Amerikaner: “You sure don’t know a lot my friend?”
Skielik kry die boot 'n lekkasie en begin sink.
Gatiep: “Well, today you going to learn versuiptology just before you see joumoerology.”
(85) Raja and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a call girl and I charge R120," she said.
Raja just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, Raja just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" the girl asked.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this before," said Raja, "but I'm actually a taxi driver. The fare back to
*6uur in die aand sluit die Brakpanners hulle kinders in die huis toe sodat die honde buite
*..... of: “Hey koekie, gaan jy buk of
*Hoe weet jy iemand kom van Brakpan af? As hy dink "fast food" is om 'n rooibok op 150km/h met sy Cortina te slaan.
*Hulle sê dat Brakpanners so arm is dat hulle die kinders op die grasperk laat kak sodat die diewe
(88) The Pastor's Ass
(89) Are you deaf !?
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.
"Okay," the little girl said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
(91) My favourite one-liners
Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob. A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.
93.Three nuns died and went to heaven. When they arrived there, St, Peter welcomed them but told them they will each have to answer one question before they will be allowed through the pearly gates.
94. A guy meets a girl and told het he was an Olympic champion in diving. Trying to impress her he took her to a swimming pool and performed some of his popular dives for her. From the high divingboard he does a few forward somersaults, backward somersaults, swallows etc.
Not to be outdone the girl tells him she can also swim.
She dived into the pool naked and completed about fifty lengths of the pool with no sweat.
"Hell!" said the fellow, "Are you also an Olympic champion?"
"No" said the girl, "I'm a Venitian prostitute working both sides of the canal"
95. A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. as he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of the bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too...!"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
98. An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!
Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?"
Her mother frowns and says, "That's what is attached to the penis."
105. A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
114. A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
- At what time does the store open?
- At ten o'clock sir.
At two in the morning, the phone rings again:
- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir
Again, at four, the phone rings:
- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!
That night the guy slammed his dick on the dresser while his wife was in the bathroom.
"Steve," she called out, "is that you?"
“A hundred dollars.”
“Damn. All I've got is thirty.”
“Hold on,” she says and runs back to Harry.
“A handjob,” Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat..
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy FOkkOL van Engels weet. So, kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer, want jy mors my donnerse tyd!!!!!!!!! Verstaan jy nou?!!"
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U..
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
Congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.
Eventually the topic got around to Zuma and his role as our president.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, Zuma is a "Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."