My gunsteling grappe - My favourite Jokes Continue Part 8

My gunsteling grappe

My favourite Jokes

Continue
Part 8

                                               PARENTAL GUIDANCE COMPULSORY !

READ AT OWN RISK

Part 1: 1 - 134 Published 6/12/2012

Part 2: 135 - 248 21/6/2014

Part 3: 249 - 300  13/8/2014

Part 4: 301 - 400  2/1/2015

Part 5: 401 - 500  

Part 6: 501 - 600  20/2/2015

Part 7: 601 - 700  28/2 2015

Part 8: 701- 800 3/03/2015

701. A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

702. Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

703. A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

704. There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!"

He agreed. He took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with a potato at the end of the string.

His said, "You're going out as that?"

''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sour-puss, I can go out as a dictator."

705. Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding plans and on their walk they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

706. Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6 ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!"
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem with that tiny thing?"
"It's swollen!"

707. A man went to a doctor. "I have three balls", he said, "and I don't like that very much."
As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. "Three balls is wonderful", he said, "women go wild on men with three balls."
"Are you sure?" the man asked.
"Absolutely sure," the doctor said.
The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctor's words he feels better and better.
He even can't keep his joy to himself. So he says to this great black man next to him: "You know, together we have five balls!"
The big man looks at him and says: "Really? You've only got one?"

708. As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

709. A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

710. The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

711. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

712. The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand" He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

713. Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town.

"Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe.

So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves.

While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two damn good leads!"

714. A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She tells the loan officer that she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Blonde produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Blonde for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Madam, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

715. A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.
"That's something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it because it has teeth," she replied.
Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.
One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.
On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.
"No," he said. "It's got teeth."
"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"
"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied."Not with gums like that."

716.